My alarm clock is set to automatically play the day's news bulletins once I turn off the alarm itself. Normally, this gives my brain something to focus on while I finish waking up, while also letting me know what kind of day to expect.
It has been... less than uplifting lately.
So while staying informed is important, I've added a new ritual: memes. Lighthearted, funny memes to balance out the existential dread.
At any other time, my personal hierarchy of needs in this meme would be $2 million, then coffee, and I could give or take the hug.
Right now, though? A hug sounds really good.
Way back in the twenty-teens, when life made sense, dogs were beginning to outpace cats in the great internet war of cuteness, and I left the house more than a couple time a month.
Good times.
Rise up together against the scourge of sun-kissed skin! Let's make Victorian-era sickliness beautiful again!
I don't even burn. I just get progressively more freckled as the summer goes on, which just makes the base paleness stand out more.
Left Ross is actual Ross, but Ross Cage has the exact, dumb look on his face that we always picture Ross as having.
Because Ross was the worst.
Is this why clowns are always so sad? They tried to be jugglers but just didn't have the hand-eye coordination to upgrade beyond the tiny car and red nose of the lowest circus status.
I'm often told by people that I seem very laid back and chill.
Trust me, I am the opposite of chill. Inside I'm a burning pit of anxiety lava that's overthinking the way I said "Hi" to you twenty minutes ago.
I'm both annoyed by women who mess with guys this way and also completely understand why they do it.
Can we all just agree that if a person asks for your number, you answer honestly, and if a person you ask says no, you listen? Wouldn't that be easier?
I wonder if the models in those toothpaste ads go home after filming and ice their jaws after so much unnatural smiling.
No one smiles that much, that widely all the freaking time.
Sure, stuffed animals are cute, and soft, and squishy, but can they also double as a salty snack?
No?
I rest my case.
Do I literally get paid to surf the internet all day to find things to write about? Yes, but clearly I have issues with work-life balance.
Duh.
If we all agreed to get these massive towels and not cross onto the towels of other families, we could keep a safe distance and enjoy the sun.
In Disney's defense, he's only technically Baloo in The Jungle Book and Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers.
Though they did literally trace Baloo animations for Robin Hood, so that's not much of a defense.
Of course, it's not necessarily the actual museum that's billowing black smoke, but it certainly makes for a funny coincidence.
And I heard it too. Now that "I'm a Believer" is stuck in everyone's head, my job is done here.
You're welcome.
It's actually solved, though. The color is named after the fruit. Before that, the color we now call "orange" was just "yellow-red".
Look! You learned something today!
Is this totally simple and silly? Sure, but you know you smiled at this chair when you saw it.
No, it's not really smiling, but that's not the point. It looks so happy to see us!
Just make sure that what she suddenly thinks you're looking at isn't something you actually need to hide from her. That would backfire horribly.
There's nothing quite like the feeling of clean, dry ears after swabbing them fresh out of the shower.
Humans do plenty of things that could cause accidental injury. Q-tips are worth it.
Today I finished tidying up my own mess from a week ago. I celebrated this achievement by ordering myself dessert for dinner in the form of cookie butter waffles and a milkshake.
Because that's the power of adulthood.
I mean, I've been lax in getting my dogs groomed and haven't walked them today. Who would possibly expect me to handle the upkeep of an entire other human?
And what other person should be stuck putting up with me?
